Reading response #9 comments on Jasmin’s second draft

First of all, you’re strongest aspect of this draft is your writing style and your examples.

I really liked the way you started your second draft. I think that was a really original way to use those quotes. Especially when you italicize the word “home”, it really puts an emphasis, because that word has emotions and feelings attached to it. Also, towards the ending when you say:

This is the best way to avoid the trap.

The trap of dividing the world in two.

Just the way you phrased it, it flows smoothly.

I enjoy the way you have of making the reader’s stop and reflect (ex. “Lets pause for a second” or “Think about it for a second”. In a general, I think you have a great way of expressing yourself (as we noticed during your presentation).

What you could improve is the organization and maybe the details of your examples. You do have a lot of citations and having some of your opinion/comments would be great also.

Your main point is pretty clear, it’s about finding out why are we still afraid of people because of their nationality/culture when we have gone through this before.

 

Here are some specific parts I commented on:

  • I like the part when you stated “These stereotypes are ingrained in the mind of the “in-group” in order to hopefully boost their greedy self-esteem.” Because it gives a clear explanation and reason of why people have tendencies to degrade other races/cultures. I think that you should add more statements like this. You have a lot of abstract phrases like fear of the unknown or human ignorance. They’re great statements, but I think it would help to have concrete examples or reasons like the one I mentioned.
  • During your oral presentation, I really liked that the comparison of the SS St-Louis ship with the situation of the Syrians refugee. It is a great example. However, I think you should maybe add a little more detail in order for readers to feel the emotions attached to it.
  • I really liked this quote of Nancy Rebelo: “We look at things that make us different, as opposed to looking at everything that makes us similar” and I think it would be more powerful if you added an example to show your point. Like for instance: Syrian refugees are just like us, they want to be able to live in a safe and secure place. (not the best example but just a suggestion).
  • Your example of the U.S bombings of Japan during World War 2 is really good. I really like the comparison between the adults and teenagers. It really shows that sometimes it’s a question of perspective. I’m always about empathizing with others. So, I see this as a question of being able to put yourself in the Syrian refugee’s position. To see that if we were in their place, we would want other countries to help us as well…just like

 

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