Peer Review of Chloe Jonas’ Second Draft
1. I think that your draft was well organized. My favorite part of your essay was where you included your experience at the Galapagos. I found it really interesting, and I would love to see some pictures of it in your final draft. Your writing style is clear and simple. The flow of your essay is good, easy to follow. I liked the comparisons you make (the Walking Dead one especially). We can feel how passionate you are about your topic. Your ethical argument of you being a student in Environmental Science was useful to me because I know that you’re someone who knows what they’re talking about.
2. I think the aspect that could be improved on is perhaps telling us less what we should do, and maybe using more statistics that show us what is happening now or what have humans done in the past. Even statistics foreshadowing the future would be nice in my opinion, something like: “at this rate, in 2050, a third of the Earth’s biodiversity will be gone” (I’m inventing). I feel like this would make the readers think that we are in more danger than we think, and that is why we need to change our behavior now before it’s too late.
3. Your main point is clear. Speciesism is wrong, and we should start doing something about it.
4. ”If one artery is slashed, the organism will bleed out if that area if it is not secured.” This is a great analogy, and it allowed me to visually imagine it in my head. Also, it makes it easier to understand the importance of biodiversity in a captivating way.
5. I also liked your opening with the Earthlings’ quotes. It’s sad, but I thought that it was a good way to start an essay in order to make the reader feel emotions from the very beginning.